Mother may I?

Being a mom. By far the biggest thing you can be. It has outdone everything I thought it could be. While pregnant with your first, you have 10 months to day dream. Dream of what kind of a mom you will be and all of the "perfect" things you will do, then.....here comes baby. A slap in the face. 10 times more then anything you could have ever imagined. Ever. The love is bigger, the fear is bigger, the anxiety is bigger, the patience is smaller (its actually bigger, but feels smaller), the love is bigger ( I know, i had to say it twice). They talked of "mommy club", they were right. Until youve lived it...you cant join..your heart cant imagine. Once in "mommy club" there is mutual understanding of this new existence of self...or selflessness. Moms flock to each other. Fact is, that if you talk of your day to a "non-mom", chances are they will look at you funny.....feel sorry for you possibly. Not the "mommy club"! Oh no. They know exactly what it means to all of a sudden be, not one heart, but two...and the fear that forever encompasses you once you have duplicated.

The first 4 weeks or so are a blur, and i wish i could have it back. I defiantly had the baby blues. I was so scarred, and so overwhelmed. I gave birth and they laid her on my chest, and it was like I was having an out of body experience. I was numb...literally. I knew how i should be feeling, but it all happened so fast. I remember feeling so disconnected. It wasnt until they brought her back from her first bath.....the lights were out in our room, Pete was asleep, and they asked me if i wanted her on my chest to warm her up. Of coarse I said yes, I gently put her in my night gown. The nurse left, and .......i finally felt it. What i thought i would feel right away....."hello, my love...im your mommy". Im not sure if it was the epidural, and not being able to even push myself up to hold her correctly, or just the shear magnitude of what had happened. Once everything was calm..and it was just me an her in the dark, skin on skin. She curled up on me the way she was in me. " Hello". I guess I thought i would know her right away, I had been feeling her for months, but once she was out....she was a new person i had never met.

The only thing predictable for first time moms...is that it is unpredictable. I can remember breast feeding Charlie the first week, I probably hadnt slept longer then 2 hours in 2 or 3 days, and I remeber thinking " never again, never ever again". Its hard, and you do ,at times, resent this ity bity baby, for not letting you sleep, or do anything for that matter. Then, the guilt for resenting this itty bitty baby.....an emotional bootcamp of insecurity and fear to say the least.

I wanted to talk of the hard stuff. We hear of all of the wonderful things that comes from being a mommy, but talking about the hard things is just as important. You are not alone! Having other mommies to talk to when I have "those days" gets me through. ...im not alone. What im feeling is normal...im doing OK.

I AM doing OK. I have eased up on myself a bit. I dont want to be super mom anymore...i was driving myself crazy at first.... but now I just want to be Charlies mom. I dont care that my house is a mess.....well i do if you come over, but other wise, no. I would rather destroy my couch and make a fort for Charlie, and spend her sacred nap time on the computer, talking to other mommies about our day, then cleaning. I have come to terms. My house isnt a disaster, but it isnt perfect....."oh look there is my coffee cup from this moring"..its 10pm..... and thats ok.

I guess my point to all of this is that, the texture of life is deep...and rich...and complicated...and simple. Even when i want to run away as fast as i can, and i feel like i might be going crazy (without my husband none the less), every second is worth it. All of joy, laughter, and love makes even the most difficult moments completely....and totally worth it. If you arent a parent, i dont think you can really comprehend that....hence "mommy club".

And now a picture of the person who has changed me forever. Thank you my love.....I know more about myself now then I ever have.