Getting use to the void.

I dont know which is worse. The initial pain of having your love be gone, or getting use to them not being there. At first it was a sharp intense pain, now its more like a throbbing headache. Its horrible getting use to not having Pete here. Its all wrong. I find myself trying to remember his smell. The shirt that I didnt wash doesnt smell like him anymore.

Me and Charlie getting use to our love being gone, just reaffirms to me that our lives will never be the same. Even when Pete is done with his training and we are a family again...it wont be the same. Pete wont be the same. He is going to come home a different man, and I a different woman. Charlie is changing by the second as well. Being aware of the looming change, and trying my best to not have expectations I think will help us adapt to our new lives. Trying to look at it as an adventure. Hopefully Pete will come home more confident then ever, and I am discovering a lot of inner strength and confidence in my capability as a mother. Charlie is becoming this amazing human being...right before my eyes. My heart aches at what Pete is missing by being away, not as much as his heart aches though. Sacrifices for the better is what I keep telling myself.....seems as though im talking to myself a lot these days.

Less then 4 weeks till Pete's graduation from Basic Training. We get to take him off base for 8 hours or so. It will be so wonderful, but not nearly enough time. The day after graduation Pete leaves for his Advance Individual Training which is 19 weeks long. He will get to come home for Christmas, and AIT isnt quite as intense as BCT. April cant come soon enough. I close my eyes and pretend to be in a U-hal with Pete and Charlie getting ready to start our new life together as a family. I tell ya one thing. After all of this is said and done, I will never take the moments we have together as a family for granted. Every second is precious.

The view at 5,281 feet

Just got back from Colorado today. It was amazing. Every time I go back to Colorado, I immediately get greeted with a sense of home. I was born here, my mom was born here, my Grandma was born here, her parents were born here, their parents were born here, and here I am bringing my daughter to the motherland for the first time. Denver is an amazing place. The back drop is the Rocky Mountains, and the in between farmland. Smell prompts so many different memories and emotions, and the smell of my grandparents always makes me feel comfortable and cozy. I love that my grandparents smell is now locked in Charlies soul. It will always be deep inside of her. Someday she may be walking along and catch a whiff of something that is familiar and wonderful...it will be them. Charlie fell in love with them....and them her. It felt so good to watch her crawling around the house and starring at pictures and things that I, at one time, crawled around and starred at. As a little girl, I remember getting so excited to wake up in the morning at my Grandmas house. She was always awake well before the rest of us. She greeted us with a big hug, and asked us what we wanted for breakfast. I still feel that way when staying at my grandparents. Watching Charlie play in the fall leaves was so heart warming. San Diego doesnt have the same kind of "fall" feel that Colorado does. Her listening to the crunch sounds and brisk smell of the leaves....made me feel like a kid again. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be at altitude again...soon.

Two years

Pete and I's 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. I sent him some cough drops and a card. I got a call from him today, which was the best anniversary gift I could ask for. His calls are bitter sweet. I miss him terribly when I get off the phone, but feel a little bit more energized.

Our wedding was glorious to say the least. I planned it in only 2 months, which I have to give myself praise for. It was an amazing party....and boy did everyone party. One of my favorite moment was watching Pete dance with his mom. Pete picked out the song "Edelwiss" from The Sound of Music. It was a cover, and the woman who sung it had a very "bijorky" sound. The moment the song came on and Pete and Sue started dancing, everyone started singing along...everyone. The next day my Aunt said to me "I didnt know that moments like that happened in real life...it was a musical come to life!". She was right. Thats how magical of a moment it was. I had thrown my neck out earlier that day, and was fighting a mean cold..but it didnt stop me from having the time of my life. It was what I always dreamed of. Im a lucky girl.

I reminded Pete on the phone of how lucky we are to have the kind of love that we have. The kind of love the perseveres. Tomorrow I will be thinking of the happy days in the past, and even happier days in the future. I love being Mrs. Sneaky Pete.

One

One year. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary on my sweet Mother in-law Sue's death, painfully followed 2 days later by my brother in-law Jims death. Some days it feels like yesterday that we lived threw that horrible week, other days it feel like a life time ago.

Sue had been fighting aggressive lung cancer for close to 3 years. When she got diagnosed they gave her 3 months, she wasnt having that. She fought the cancer with a sense of humor and gratitude for every day she had. When the decision was made to call in hospice, the only thing that set our minds at ease was Sue. It was what she wanted. She was at peace with it. She was tired.

3 days before she died I got a call from Pete on my way home from work. He said that he had just talked to his mom, and she didnt sound ok. He wanted me to go by the house and check on her. I believe that was the moment that my stomach created a knot that hasnt gone away. When I walked in the house I was greeted with the smell of cupcakes. They were making cupcakes for my niece Elise's birthday. I went to the back bedroom, where I had spent many days in the past month laying in the bed next to Sue. Talking about Charlie and parenting, filling out a memory book I had bought for her, laughing and telling jokes. The weeks up to her death she had a burst of energy. She was eating like a pig, and spent her days knitting baby blankets for Charlie. When I stepped into the room I could feel it. I could sense the panic in her. She knew what was happening more then we did. I kissed her and got her toothbrush for her.

The next day I was leaving the house for my last day of work before maternity leave, and I got over come with a feeling to stop by the Kerr house...Pete was already there. When I walked into the back bedroom Pete, Ron, and Sue were all crying and holding each other. Sue looked up at me and mouthed the words "hold him".....hold my husband. Take care of my son was what she was saying. I called work and told them I would not be coming in. It was then that we stood vigil at the kerr house. Sue was getting more weak and delirious from the pain medicine by the hour. Ron made the calls, to round up the Kerr clan. That day Liz, Karen, and Elise came back from Disneyland. Kathryn came down from collage. We blended our pain and sorrow together, and leaned on each other with grief. That night we had a slumber party at the Kerr house. Sue wasnt talking much. At one point, me and Kathryn were talking about the babies room, and Sue chimed in with a "I hope it isnt ugly"! Always a sense of humor. While I went back to the house she woke up from a sleep asking for the blankets she had been knitting to put baby Charlie in...."keep her warm". This was one of the last coherent things she said. Pete fell asleep holding Sue's hand that night.

The next morning, we woke up and decided to go home for a shower. On the way back to the Kerr house we stopped by the store to get a balloon for Elise...it was her birthday today. I was standing under the bunch of balloons trying to pick out a good one. I looked up at Pete, and he said " We have to go now." He knew. We walked back in to the Kerr house and immediately headed to the back bedroom . Only a couple minutes after we arrived Sue took her last breath. We were right there. Ron was holding her hand, and we were all telling her how much we loved her. This was the moment we had spent the past 3 years dreading. With in 10 minutes after her passing Liz, Karen, and Elise had returned...minutes after that Jim and Fernanda showed up. We spent the next several hours holding each other crying, telling stories, holding Sue's hand. We put on The Sound of Music, which was Sue's favorite movie. It was breathtaking. Sue was at peace. Her body relaxed. She wasnt in any pain anymore. Along with the feeling of sadness, shock, sorrow, and pain, there were feelings of relief, comfort, and love. It wasnt untill they came to take her away, that I completely broke down. I had been trying so hard, to be strong for Pete all day, but when they took her out of her home..HER home...I couldnt control myself. Later that evening we celebrated Elise's 5th birthday. Sue died on Elises birthday. We think its so we would forever have to celebrate this day...not be saddened by it. Elis's birthday was great. We loved each other...which is what Sue taught us to do.

Pete had had a couple to many drinks that night, so I drove home. It wasnt until we drove up our drive way that I realized I might need to help him in.....all 8 months pregnant of me. I went in and got my mom to help. It wasnt so much, that he was that drunk, it was the alcohol mixed with sorrow. Once in I took Pete to the back bedroom. He then started screaming. Screaming for his mom. Yelling at death, as loud as he possibly could. I went around and shut all the window, so the neighbors would be alarmed. I sat on the couch with my mom, and listened to my husbands heart breaking. I just kept hoping he would fall asleep. How, grateful I was that I married a man, who, regardless of how it comes out, was able to express what he was feeling. A lot of people cant.

Two days later, on Sunday, was me and Pete's baby shower. We had questioned canceling it, but decided not to. Celebrate life in the midst of death. The shower meant a great deal to Sue. She had special ordered cookies for it, that arrived that day. The rest of the Kerr's went to Sunday mass that morning, while we prepared the house for our shower. The shower was wonderful. We were all exhausted, from the hard week. Jim wasnt feeling well, and had a hard time being around our pets, so he left early. The shower ended. I was exhausted, and having back pain so I hopped in the bath while Pete went to the Kerr house to have some dinner. While I was in the bath I started to hear the phone ring. Of coarse I didnt get up to answer it. ...getting up our of the bath 8 months pregnant is hard work. My phone immediately rang again, and I new something was wrong. I answered the phone and hear Peter screaming "Jim is dead, come over here". I threw on my clothes and got in the car...looked in the rear view and there was my mom and my cousin who saw me frantic and new something was wrong. When I pulled up to the house I saw a fire truck, police cars, and ambulances. My heart sank. I got out of the car and walked up to the house to see Fernanda, Jims wife, being held up by a neighbor screaming. Pete was pacing the front yard. I ran in the house and just stood there, while the emt's performed CPR. Could this really be happening? Could it? Everyone followed the ambulance to the hospital except for me, pete and michele. We just prayed, and starred at each other really. My husband was pacing around the living room praying the prayers of all prayers. "Please mom, please god, help Jim...help him Mom", but Jim was already with Sue. The Kerrs came back from the hospital, and told us he didnt make it. We didnt know what to do. We called hospice, called the crises hotline. Someone please help this family. A priest and nun came over to be with us. This is when i started feeling intense back pain, and a lot of little contractions. The baby was moving like crazy. I laid down and drank some water. It wasnt until a couple days later, at our first child birth class did I realize I was having pre-term labor that night. I had to stuff my emotions. I had to take care of my baby. Unfortunately because of this, I somedays feel like I havent properly mourned...or it just creeps up on me when im not looking. We went home at like 1 AM and fell asleep from pure exhaustion...although I wouldnt really call it sleep. I woke up to my husband sobbing. I helped him into the shower and went to put some coffee on. When I went back into the bathroom he was sitting on the shower floor sobbing "my mom, my brother. my mom, my brother". I picked him up with a towel and held him....like Sue told me too.

The following week was filled with viewings and funerals. Me and Petes first anniversary was the day after their double funeral. We just stayed in our PJ's and watched football. Writing about this horrible week, helps me relive it....im able to feel it now. I miss them both ever day. Im so proud of my family and the way they have pulled threw this incredible tragedy. It still blows my mind.

So on this first anniversary, I am not only reminded of sadness....im reminded of strength and love. I miss Sue and Jim everyday. I think about how much they would have loved Charlie. They are her angels.