Moments and time

Im not sure why I havent written a new entry in a while. I think sometimes I put a bubble around myself hoping that it will make time go by a little bit faster. Waiting to be with my husband again. At the same time, Charlie is growing so fast and changing everyday, that I want time to slow down too.

Ill start with Charlie. She is the most amazing person I have ever met.....and she is only one. She makes me laugh all day long. We have these moments. Like today, we were taking a shower

together...just for fun. Well, I needed to take a shower, but I knew it would be fun for her. She stands with her face in the stream of the water shrieking with joy. I look down at her, she looks up at me, and we are in love. I try to freeze these moments in my soul, because time does go by so fast. Im having to come up with more creative ways to entertain her through out the day. We have been with out a car for the past week, because its getting fixed, so I cant just take her to the park to run around. We make cookies, listen to music and dance dance dance. Build forts and chase the kitties around. Its amazingly simple, and perfectly wonderful. Im so lucky.

This past month I had my first experience as a Doula. It has been wonderful. Not the scenario I pictured my first birth at all. The mama im a doula for was pregnant with triplets. She ended up having a Cesarean, and I was able to be with her during the surgery and in recovery. I have been helping her post partum as well. Its all being filmed for a TV show on TLC, which is exciting being able to advocate Doulas, but im more excited about the experience with the the mom and babies. Birth is such a sacred thing. To be able to be a part of it is truly a wonderful thing. I love it. I cant wait until I can focus all of my extra time on helping mamas.

We found out where we will be moving to in April. Its not 100% but its looking like we are moving to Alaska. At first I was taken a back to say the least, but now im starting to get really excited. Alaska is gorgeous, and to say that ive lived there is so cool! What an awesome place for Charlie too. Im most looking forward to having my husband with me every night again. So we can have our moments. So he can see Charlie everyday, and they can have their moments. Pete is coming home this weekend. Last visit home before he graduates AIT, then off to the great white north. What an adventure!

My next big purchase will be a digital SLR camera. My digital sucks, and im tired of not being able to capture our moments proper...

Letters from the past to present

The past couple months have been a world wind. The weeks have flown by, and its just now that i feel i can catch my breath and catch up. Peter came home for Christmas. Of coarse, it couldn't be nice and smooth. He was scheduled to fly back in the midst of a huge storm. He was panicky, I was panicky. I was on hold for 4 hours, just to be disconnected, with his airlines trying to get things sorted out. He ended up staying the night in North Carolina, and made it home in time for our little overnight get away at my moms Hotel. It had been a very trying week in mommy world. Charlie was sick and cutting her first molar. Not sleeping much. The night before he got in she broke out in hives due to an allergic reaction to a vapor bath i had given her. It amazes me all the feeling that come along with being a mother. The powerlessness is the most over whelming, yet mothers are so powerful...go figure. Once at the hotel with my husband I could breath again...well sort of. I had the same cold that Charlie had, so my throat felt like it had a softball in it. Nothing in my world goes super smooth.....which gives me more to write about. We had massages and sushi. I got to watch an uninterrupted movie....it had been a while since i had and uninterrupted anything. Having Peter home was wonderful, yet strange. Strange because I have gotten so use to doing everything myself, that it felt weird to have constant help. It was awesome to sleep in, but even more awesome to come home to my little love. I missed her so.

Christmas day I woke up unable to move the upper half of my body. I threw my back out in the night and spent most of Christmas looking for an Urgent care that was open...wonderful. Finally I gave up and decided to just tough it out until the next day. It had been a while since I had been in that much pain. I absolutely hate being held back.....once again that damn powerless feeling. I was laid up for a good four days. Thank God Pete was here to help.....I couldn't even pick up Charlie with our yelping out.

We spent most of our two weeks just relaxing and enjoying our daughter. It was nice, but to short. Pete left the same day that me, mom, and Charlie headed to Colorado to celebrate Mom's 50th. It was nice to be in the mountains again, but being in an unbabyproofed environment is not vacation for mom. Quite the opposite. Charlie fell down stairs, got nipped by a dog, got a horrible cold that she is still fighting, and I hardly slept. Needless to say im glad to be home.

A couple weeks ago I got and email from my Aunt. My uncle had found a record that my Grandmother had made for my Grandfather when he was off fighting in WW2. Attached was a letter. There love and strength inspire me to tears. It was just what i needed. My grandmothers Christmas gift to me. When Pete first joined the Army, I was told about how hard it was on marriages..... a lot ending in divorce. I understand why. The separation can be too much for couples. I find my self leaning on my Grandparents spirit to guide me. Give me strength to make this an adventure, rather then a burden. Old fashion patriotism and commitment has been lost to an extent with my generation, and im trying to bring that back in my own family. Here is the letter and a transcript because it is a little hard to read.

"Hello darling,
How's my boy? I hope you're going to be able to find a phonograph to play this on. Talking to you like this is a little worst than having "mike fright" but if the sound of my voice means one half to you as what hearing yours would mean to me, I guess you won't mind any errors.

The most important message I have for you in this--listen closely, I love you. Carl, dearest, and I'm very, very proud of you--of you and of everyone of your splendid comrades. That last parade was an inspiration and you'll come marching victorious. I know you will. We're rooting for you and better than that, new steps are being taken every day to keep the folks at home working for you.

I'm planning to spend New Year's Eve with you. Wherever I am I'll leave the crowd at midnight and keep that moment for you alone. I hope you'll do the same. Merry Christmas, darling--white Christmas, and keep remembering that there isn't any ocean big enough to separate us.
I love you."

A wonderful month....

What a month. Ill start with Peter's graduation from Basic Training......

Pete's dad, sister, me and Charlie left for Missouri on a Tuesday morning. The trip our there was as smooth as could be. Charlie was an Angel. We got to our hotel at Ft. Lenordwood around 8. We were greeted in the lobby of the hotel with a 4 ft Santa that would sing and dance every-time you walked by, obviously the owner of the hotel was a big Christmas buff because it was little early for christmas decor, but it did help add to our excitement. The next day we decided to go on base and see where Pete had been living for the past 10 weeks. It was almost torture knowing he was somewhere close by, but not being able to see him. I kept hoping we would see him in formation. We went to the PX and did a little shopping the headed back to the hotel. Ate dinner at Ft. Leanordwood version of out back. I really had a hard time containing my excitement. It felt like Christmas eve and i couldnt wait to go to bed so i could wake up and see my love. The morning of the graduation we got up early and ate breakfast. The hotel was filled with families of soldier graduating and you could feel everyones anticipation. We arrived early to the graduation, and good thing too...the place was packed! We got great seats. When the graduation started one of the drill sergeant got on stage and "called" the company. All of a sudden we heard the stomp of 200 feet.....and then they started marching out. I was frantically looking for Pete. When we finally saw him, I was so excited that I got bashful....BASHFUL of my husband! Such an amazing feeling. He looked so handsome and so accomplished. The ceremony was amazing. After it was over the company marched back to the reception hall where we could meet him. We followed the company there, listening to there credence chants. When it was time to go in a meet him, I couldnt get there fast enough. I saw him and just threw my arms around him...felt amazing. I was so proud. We spent the day in the hotel room, visiting with Pete. Listening to all of his new awesome stories. He took like 3 baths...poor guy deserved it! The day went by way to fast. Next thing we new it was time to say goodbye again. It was just as hard as it was 10 week earlier. Pete had his phone now , and as soon as we got back from dropping him off i started getting his ever loved text's and calls. We were technologically connected again...so wonderful.

Pete arrived at Ft. Eustis VA for his AIT the next day. The second day he was there he found our that he would be getting a pass to come home for Thanksgiving! What an amazing gift! We decided not to tell his family and surprise them Thanksgiving day! The were shocked...the video to prove it below! Having him here for 2 days was short but glorious. He was able to be here for Charlie's 1st birthday party! What greater gift could I ask for, then to have my husband by my side for our daughters first birthday?

Her birthday was great. Lots of friends, cake, and presents. Bittersweet for mommy though. I cant belive my baby is one. Peter took the redeye back to VA that night. He is coming home for 2 weeks on the 19th. It will be so wonderful. Really it will be the last time we have that much time together for a while. For all we know he could be deploy soon after graduating AIT. We have no idea. The day after Pete gets here, we have gotten a hotel room on the beach. Our first night away from baby in a year. Very excited for the break...mommy needs it.

The moment we saw Pete at Graduation.

Pete dancing with Charlie just before he went back to the base from the hotel.

Surprising the Kerr's with Pete on Thanksgiving!

Pride

The amount of pride I have for what my husband, and our family, is doing overwhelms me. It is an amazing feeling. A feeling that can settle a heart longing for her man. Watching the news today and driving down the streets, seeing the American flag and people honoring our veterans and active duty, made me smile with all of my heart. Im happy we are serving our country. The sacrifices are hard...very hard, but this pride is something that will stay with us, and our children forever. Im sure that i will go back in forth with this, in times of pure desperation and longing for my husband, but right now im proud.

One week from tomorrow I will see Pete go from a man to a soldier. It will be wonderful. I have been counting down for 10 weeks, and I can hardly believe it just a week away. Its been a hard week. Charlie has been sick, I got either food poisoning or a stomach bug and taking care of a sick baby when you yourself feel like you are going to vomit at any minute is miserable. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, but not an option for a temporarily single mom. Charlie is walking everywhere now, its the cutest thing ever. However because of this new found skill, she is so excited at night that she is fighting bed time. I was rocking her in her room tonight, and she literally wiggled out of my arms, and walked to the living room. I kind of sat in the chair for a minute to see if she would come back...but nope. This girl is a fee spirit thats for sure. Normally when my patience would run out, or when I was not feeling well, Pete would step in. I have my mom, and that im forever grateful, but not the same as a spouse.

So on our first Veterans day, I not only salute our military past and present, I salute the wives and families that support them. Whether it be battling terrorism, or battling a 1 year old fighting sleep , its hard......but worth every second.

18 days

18 day till I can kiss my loves face off. I got to talk to Pete several times on the phone today, he had a day off. It was wonderful. He sounds different...stronger. I can hear his heart ache for Charlie though and it makes me sad. I tell him of all of the new things she is learning, and her walking everywhere and it just kills him that he is missing it. He worries that she will forget him. I tell him that, that will never happen. His graduation is November 19. We get to take him off base for 12 glorious hours. He ships off to Virginia for his AIT, that is 19 weeks long, the next day. Pretty sure he will get a couple weeks off at Christmas, which will be the best Christmas present ever. Im trying to keep myself as busy as possible the next 2 weeks so they go by fast. I just cant even wait. Im oh so proud of my man, my husband, my soldier. The sacrifices we are making will pay off in the long run, and some day when we are old we will look back at this time and smile about how much stronger it made us as a couple...im sure of it. He sent me this picture that was taken of him when he first got to Basic training. I cant wait to compare the pictures of his befor and after...i bet you can see his strength.

Getting use to the void.

I dont know which is worse. The initial pain of having your love be gone, or getting use to them not being there. At first it was a sharp intense pain, now its more like a throbbing headache. Its horrible getting use to not having Pete here. Its all wrong. I find myself trying to remember his smell. The shirt that I didnt wash doesnt smell like him anymore.

Me and Charlie getting use to our love being gone, just reaffirms to me that our lives will never be the same. Even when Pete is done with his training and we are a family again...it wont be the same. Pete wont be the same. He is going to come home a different man, and I a different woman. Charlie is changing by the second as well. Being aware of the looming change, and trying my best to not have expectations I think will help us adapt to our new lives. Trying to look at it as an adventure. Hopefully Pete will come home more confident then ever, and I am discovering a lot of inner strength and confidence in my capability as a mother. Charlie is becoming this amazing human being...right before my eyes. My heart aches at what Pete is missing by being away, not as much as his heart aches though. Sacrifices for the better is what I keep telling myself.....seems as though im talking to myself a lot these days.

Less then 4 weeks till Pete's graduation from Basic Training. We get to take him off base for 8 hours or so. It will be so wonderful, but not nearly enough time. The day after graduation Pete leaves for his Advance Individual Training which is 19 weeks long. He will get to come home for Christmas, and AIT isnt quite as intense as BCT. April cant come soon enough. I close my eyes and pretend to be in a U-hal with Pete and Charlie getting ready to start our new life together as a family. I tell ya one thing. After all of this is said and done, I will never take the moments we have together as a family for granted. Every second is precious.

The view at 5,281 feet

Just got back from Colorado today. It was amazing. Every time I go back to Colorado, I immediately get greeted with a sense of home. I was born here, my mom was born here, my Grandma was born here, her parents were born here, their parents were born here, and here I am bringing my daughter to the motherland for the first time. Denver is an amazing place. The back drop is the Rocky Mountains, and the in between farmland. Smell prompts so many different memories and emotions, and the smell of my grandparents always makes me feel comfortable and cozy. I love that my grandparents smell is now locked in Charlies soul. It will always be deep inside of her. Someday she may be walking along and catch a whiff of something that is familiar and wonderful...it will be them. Charlie fell in love with them....and them her. It felt so good to watch her crawling around the house and starring at pictures and things that I, at one time, crawled around and starred at. As a little girl, I remember getting so excited to wake up in the morning at my Grandmas house. She was always awake well before the rest of us. She greeted us with a big hug, and asked us what we wanted for breakfast. I still feel that way when staying at my grandparents. Watching Charlie play in the fall leaves was so heart warming. San Diego doesnt have the same kind of "fall" feel that Colorado does. Her listening to the crunch sounds and brisk smell of the leaves....made me feel like a kid again. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be at altitude again...soon.