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Ive been taking pictures again.  Hoping to add this to my business once my licenses are in order.  Going from taking pictures of live music and gorgeous concrete, to mamas-to-be and newborns is a trip....a gorgeous trip.  I love it.  Enjoy.

Yes im still breastfeeding.

I dont even know how to start this blog.  Im sooo over America's old, non researched based ,  old wives tale  views on breastfeeding and child rearing.   Really?  Really, you think because im still breastfeeding my toddler that she is going to be at the boob when she is 13?  Really?  And what makes you think this?  You see so many 13 year olds snacking on booby milk?  No.  The rest of the world wouldnt think twice when seeing a woman breast feed her toddler, but here in the most advanced country in the world, strangers shake there head and go cross eyed.  It pisses me off.

FACT:  The world health organization recommends that children be breastfed until the age of 2.

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

I would quote this fact sheet word for word about the benefits of extended breastfeeding....but ill just give you the link.  I heart Kellymom.

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

Not to mention how it majorly  reduces my chances of getting breast, ovarian, and uterine cancers.  Charlies chances of getting diabetes and heart/lung disease....you would think that would shut them up right there.

The emotional benefits are amazing as well.  My daughter never took a pacifier..I was her pacifier..her soother.  I still am.  My breasts offer her  comfort and security when she needs it, which sadly is becoming less frequent as she gains more confidence with the world around her.  This is what my breasts were made for.  To sooth, nourish, and comfort.    The fact that the majority of America will watch  Pam And run around with her boobs hanging out all over the place and not think twice, but be extremely offended and judgmental toward a breastfeeding mother is disgusting.

An example of the extent of misinformed doctors and professionals out there is what happened to me at the emergency room when I had my miscarriage in May.

Doctor Bozo started off by saying that I didnt do anything wrong, and there wasnt anything I could have done differently..obviously he has a script he reads from when it comes to woman in the midst of a loss.  His tone changed when I informed him that I hadnt had a period since having my daughter, and I was still breastfeeding my then 17 month old.  He says "Congratulations on still breastfeeding", then he gives me a one eyed glare and says "You know that when you get pregnant you are supposed to immediately stop breastfeeding, mmmm".  Doctor Bozo.  I think what upset me more then what he was insinuating, was the he regurgitates this information to other woman.  There are a lot of young pregnant woman who live on base, and probably see Doctor Bozo.  This is what they are hearing.  It just infuriates me.  Even though I know that breastfeeding while pregnant is safe, it still made me question myself...and that added to some of my pain and heartache dealing with the loss.

So.  How do we combat the misinformed and the Doctor Bozos out there?  How do we let people know that breastfeeding past the age of one does not mean that we are raising a sissy spoiled chid.  It does not mean that im not "disciplined" enough with my child.  How do we combat?  Well this mama made it a point to breastfeed her child at the 4th of July celebration on Army base Fort Bragg in front of some 5,000 people.  You see, the more people see breastfed toddlers...the more common it will become.  So I will take the looks and criticism, so my daughter...and her daughter might not have to.

EchoEchoEcho.....

As my Grandmother kindly pointed out in Aspen last weekend...I have been failing at blogging.  No excuses.  I could come up with some, but I wont bore you with my witty banter, attempting to avoid the question at hand..."why havent i been updating my blog?"....I forget.  However, im going to attempt to be better at it.  I do love filling the internet with my blah blah blabberings.

Not going to lie.  North Carolina life has taken some adjustment.  We arent making nearly as much money as we use to, due to me not working and the Army not paying.  We are cutting corners and everything in between to make it work.  Im working on getting my NC massage license so i can try to pick up a couple clients a week and bring in some extra cash.

The heat.  Good god its hot.  So hot we dont leave the house during the day.  Coming up with things to entertain a toddler with out leaving the house has been..well...ummm...interesting.  Our days go like this:

--wake up, change 10lb diaper,get yogurt and fruit and turn on "melmo".
---Mom gets much need and anticipated coffee, and sits down to check internet.
----After Charlie is cought up on what sounds "A" makes, and mommy with everyones Facebook buisness we make Daddy eggs and smoothy and wait for him to come back from AM PT.
--- Once daddy leaves we resume learning letter sounds and scanning internet.
---When 9AM rolls around we shut TV off <------there are some days where this doesnt happen..not going to lie------and Mom starts in on chores around the house.  Charlie follows closely beind sometimes undoing what mom is doing--doesnt bother mom because baby is happy..which means mom is happy.  -----After some chores are done we useually take a morning bath.  Not sure if its mine or Charlies idea, but whenever I need a break we both go in the tub.
--After bath its nap time.  Sometimes I sleep with her, sometimes I dont..just depends.
-- Lunch time!  After lunch if its not too hot we will brave the pool.  Home from pool..frozen strawberries and some NickJr while we cool off.
-- Mom works on Dinner.  Dad comes home...plays with baby while mom finishes up dinner.  Eat..bath...bed time for Charlie.

Ahh the life of a stay at home.  Hardest part is getting cabin fever due to heat, and not working anymore. Sometimes i worry that i bore Charlie.

I have been lucky enough to make some friends here.  All mama's and most like minded which is wonderful.   One of my friends that I was providing some Doula support gave birth at 27 weeks last week.  Very scary, but amazing to see the strength of ity bity humans.

I have been focusing more and more on my Doula studies.  There is such a need for labor support and education here on base...seems like ever other woman/girl is pregnant..and most of them alone.

Summer highlights

Uncle Bro and me and Char at my cousins wedding

The beach and my behind...both looking good.

The next generation of Witte ladies

Charlie discovering the Rockies in Aspen

Home

Hello hello. Its been a while since ive had a second to sit down and write, wait, let me correct myself...its been a while since ive had the emotional energy to sit down and write. I really dont know where to start. The past month has been a whirl wind to say the least. I guess ill start with Peters homecoming.

Charlie, me, Ron, Kathryn, and Michelle all went to the Airport to pick him up. The anticipation and excitement was so hard to contain. It was a compleatly different feeling then picking him up from the airport for his little visits away from school.....this was it. The start of our new life. I was wearing my "Apache Helocoptor" shirt Pete gave me, and Charlie her "My daddy is in the Army and he loves me" shirt. We bought and American Flag and Charlie was parading around the Airport with it. Everyone starring at us, and knowing that we were meeting our soldier

When I saw Pete walking down the terminal in his uniform, my heart skipped a little. It felt exactly like I thought it would.

 

Peter's birthday was the day before, so we came home and had a little birthday/ graduation party for him.  So imensly proud of him.

Our party was short lived, seeing how we had to be in NC in 2 weeks.  Luckily everything fell in to place.  The packers and movers showed up at the perfect time, and we got a call that we got a 3 bedroom house that would be waiting for us when we got there....now just for the "getting there" part.  I was full of so much anxiaty worrying about my 16 month old, and 3 cats in the car for 4 days.

We hit the road on a Wednesday afternoon.  It was a rainy day in San Diego.  The moment we passed the "leaving San Diego county" sign, we were greeted with a full arch rainbow.  San Diego was saying good bye to us...it was breath taking.  We stayed the night in Phoenix, and got up at 4 AM to hit the road again.  We figured out that getting up super early made it a lot easier on Char.  She would sleep the first 3 hours in the car..we would stop somewhere and eat breakfest and get her out of her PJ's and run her around a bit.  Then, get back in the car and put on a DVD for her.  She would eventually take her morning nap.  When she woke we would stop for lunch, run her around and get back in the car..it worked!  

Its so weird moving to a place blind.  Compleatly blind.  Driving into Fort Bragg, and looking at our new home was crazy.  At that point we were so grateful just to be there, that Bragg could have been on the moon and we wouldnt have cared.  When we got on base we checked into our temproary lodging..it sucked not going to lie.  It made the motel 6 look luxurious.  Luckily we were only there for 3 days before we got the keys to our place.  The movers showed up the day after we got our keys and it was glorious to have all of our stuff under one roof again


The unpacking began!  Unpacking is fun.  I love hanging pictures, so i save that for the last thing i do.  We didnt put preasure on ourselves to get everything sorted super fast.  We were so exhausted from the past 2 weeks, that we took our time.  I wanted to make sure that everything was in its correct spot...and i did.  Four weeks later we are done.  Pictures are up, boxes are gone, the only thing left that we have to get is a kitchen table...and i love my new home.





Four days after we moved into our new home we found out that we were pregnant!  It was a surprise, and cought me off guard to say the least.  We were very excited.  Its funny...and im sure mom's who have more then one child can agree....the first thing that i thought was "Charlie".  What about my girl?  I just cant imagine not giving her 100% of me.  Now, I know that when another baby comes your love grows, and you figure out how to divide your attention, but my first reaction was concern for my little love.  That concern quickly eased up with thoughts of her playing with her brother or sister.  A couple days after we found out, I found a Midwife that i loved.  She scheduled an ultrasound to determine gestational age.  I hadnt gotten my period since having Charlie (thank you extended Breastfeeding!) so we had no way of knowing an due date.  When we got the ultrasound he said i was 5 weeks, i had thought i was further along then that but was happy with my due date of 1-11-11!  Later that week i noticed that i didnt really "feel" pregnant.  I knew that every pregnancy is different, but the symptoms i was having the week before really werent there anymore.  I thought that i may get lucky this time and get out of the morning sickness that i had until 11 weeks with Char.  Last Sunday morning I woke up and was spotting a bit.  The moment i saw it I knew what was happening.  I knew it in my gut.  I think i knew it a week before.  The next day when the bleeding got worse I went the the ER, and they confirmed what I already knew.  I was having a miscarriage.  I cried.  Grieved for the little embryo that we made, that couldnt hold on.  I felt horrible for about 3 days.  The Army gave Pete 3 days off to take care of me..which was amazing and unexpected.  We are doing ok now.  Im feeling better.  It defiantly made us realize that we want another baby soon.  We want them to be 2-3 years apart.  We will start trying at the end of the summer...after my body has healed some, and our lives arent as hectic as it has been the past month.


For mothers day Pete bought me the camera ive wanted for years now.  Still figuring it out, but with out further ado...pictures of my darling girl in our new home..

Home.

Spring on Bonnieview

Spring has sprung. Children are getting there pictures taken with bunnies, wedding invitations every other day in the mail, and the flowers are starting to look oh so gorgeous. I love spring, but I say that at the beginning of ever season.

I was able to get out of the house last night to have dinner with a bunch of friends, all of whom have known my husband for 10 plus years. It made me miss him so. I love hearing stories about him. I love seeing him through other peoples eyes. Its like an outside perspective of how truly awesome he is.....im proud to be Mrs Sneaky. It felt good to eat dinner at a slower pace then usually. Everyone seems to be getting married or getting pregnant. I love it. I love.....love.

This morning I got together with two dear friends of me and Peters who are in town from Tennessee. Its so nice for Charlie to have other midgets to run around with, and for me to have another mama to vent with. Most of the time me and Ellie didnt even have to finish a sentence, we just knew what the other one is saying. Peter has know Brian since he was 3 or so. They were best friends. The Throop house is just down the street from the Kerr house. Their back yard is just wonderful. Nice big trees, grass, and shade. Lots of toys for the kiddies. It was a perfect day. Peter as a boy played in this yard. I pictured him running around, laughing and having fun. I could hear him laughing through Charlies laughter. I thought of how much he would enjoy watching her play in grass that he once did. Sitting with his old dear friend, watching their Children play and have fun together. The day will come soon where Pete and Brian can do this, and it will be lovely.

I got to talking with Joan (Brians mom) about Sue. She has known the Kerr's for 20 plus years. In a way watching her watch Charlie made me feel as though Sue was there. Joan started crying a little when we talked of the dreaded week 18 months ago, and it hit me again just how loved and adored the Kerrs are....how Sue was. It aches my heart daily that she never got to touch Charlie...i know she sees her from heaven....but touch her. Bonnieview has a lot of memories......good and bad, but thats life. Good and bad...Yin and Yang. Its nice to be among your people though (or your greatest loves people)....nice to feel the breeze of laughter past and present.

Carolina on my mind.....

So. Ive decided that I need to blog more. When I first started the blog, I was posting a lot more, and my posts were more in depth....the way I intended. Updating once a week isnt cutting it. How do I smush a million feeling, or all of the amazing things Charlie does in a week into one post? The purpose of this was to capture my day to day. At least I will try.

Peter called yesterday. He got word as to where we will be moving next month. Ft Bragg NC!Im pleased, though at this point I would have been pleased living on the moon as long as it was with him. As soon as I hung up the phone, I went to the Internet and started investigating. I looks awesome. I guess the biggest thing, will be getting there. 3 cats, 1 baby, 2 freaked out adults = insanity! We will see what happens. An adventure to say the least. I just want it to be May already. Hanging pictures in our new home. Falling asleep to Peters snoring...and Charlies too. I turn 30 April 24th.....holy crap i just re-read that...THIRTY. Needless to say, I will be bringing in 30 in a new place...pretty cool.

Today we went to a park where they hold a babywearing group. I love being around other mom's with the same thinking as me. Its great because Charlie can just run around like a crazy lady, and im just one of many moms chasing there kids around. Moms are rad. Multitasking is an art, and babywearing moms have figured it out. To somone watching it probably looks like total chaos, but really these woman are able to hold conversation, demonstrate different baby carriers and wraps, breastfeed a baby, and make sure the walking one doesnt hurt themselves..all at once...awesome. All this with ease

Ok...enough of that. On to talking about the little things that make my world spin. Charlie. She is just amazing. All day long I sit and watch her. Watching what she will do next. Watching her discover the world. I guess I will be doing this forever...and thats just fine by me. We took her to the beach the other day. I was still feeling under the weather, but its hard to say no to a gorgeous San Diego day. She has no fear. She charges the ocean...loving the cold water on her toes. She would stand there looking at the ground watching the water come up and touch her feet, only to drift back away. She would say "bye bye" when the water would recede. One of the most brilliant things about being a parent is witnessing this. The ity bity little things in life are what makes life,......life. Oh, how we get caught up in the world..fixating on things that done mean a damn thing. Beautiful moments pass and no one notices. Children open your eyes again to the little things. Turn off the TV, and go sit in the grass with your baby...that is what its all about. I always tried to pay attention to the small moments in life....i think thats why i love photography so much....but now...now its so much more important. Thank you Charlie.

Past, Present, Future

I recently spent a week in Albuquerque visiting my Dad, Step-mom, and little sister. Traveling solo with a baby is rough. I decided not to bring the stroller, and rather wear Charlie in my Podaegi on my back. It was so much easier, and left me with two free hands to man the luggage. I got a ton of stares.

Coming home to New Mexico is always strange for me. It holds so many memories. A lot of good ones, and equally just as many bad memories. I have a tendency to push bad memories so far in the back of my brain, that i dont remember them at all, until im in the city that my ghosts live in. Its good. Its painful, but good to remember the past. Reminds me of who I am now....and thats whats important.

Charlie wasnt feeling well most of the trip. I assumed it was just the new place and new people, and this big ol molar she has been trying to cut. Then her nose started running non stop and she started to get a cough. The trip home was rough. I was so happy to be home. Unfortunately I was greeted with a horrible cold when we got home, and i have been pretty laid up since we got back. Being sick with a baby sucks. Luckily my mom is here, and as i type this im lying in her bed while she watches Charlie so i can rest. Moms rock.

This week marks one month until Pete graduates AIT. One month until we move. Still not exactly sure where or when that will be, but we know its coming. I know that there is a ton of stuff i should be doing, but i dont know where to start. I think in a way i dont want to start until pete gets here. The Army will be doing the move for us, so really i just need to start weeding threw the stuff we dont want. Its freaking me out. Im so excited to be a family with my husband once again, but so scared at the same time. Leaving my mom. Its starting to sink in that she isnt coming with us. I want to break out sobbing just thinking of it...so i dont. Try to focus on the excitement of being in a new place with my husband instead. Charlie is so smart, and picking up new things every day. I cant wait for Pete to start teaching her things. I cant wait to see them love each other again..this time different. I cant wait for her to hug and kiss her daddy, for her to lead him around playing with him. She needs her daddy. He helped make her, and its time for him to help teach her.

So heres to the past (ghost of NM) present (sick and scared ) and future (cha cha changes).

Cha cha change...

Bring it on. Im ready for it. Im ready for my routine to get shaken up a bit. Im a very routine person. To much so. I get stuck in it, hide in it possibly. Im ready for my husband to be a part of my routine again. Im tired of this already. He has missed so much. He left a 9 month old baby behind, and he is coming home to a toddler...tantrums and all. Leaving San Diego will be hard....very very hard. The hardest thing will be leaving my mom. I actually, cant even think about it.....its TOO hard.

I try to shake up my routine, shake myself out of a zombie slumber, that i have a tendincy to go into when i get too down. Me and Charlie go on adventures, to the park, or a museum. When im feeling really down we will take a shower or bath together. Hard to be a zombie with a giggling toddler around. Its so much fun, yet bitter sweet, because Pete isnt here. I hate being a Zombie mom. Dont get me wrong, im a damn good Zombie mom...and i love zombies, but Charlie deserves more then that. Its not every day, and seems to coincide with her teething. Her cranky = me cranky and visa versa.

Never the less, we carry on. We shake it up. We dance. We laugh. We sing. We cuddle. We kiss. We discover. I cant wait for our "We" to be three once again. This sucks, and im tired.

Adventures of (sometimes) Zombie mom, and super baby!

Mother may I?

Being a mom. By far the biggest thing you can be. It has outdone everything I thought it could be. While pregnant with your first, you have 10 months to day dream. Dream of what kind of a mom you will be and all of the "perfect" things you will do, then.....here comes baby. A slap in the face. 10 times more then anything you could have ever imagined. Ever. The love is bigger, the fear is bigger, the anxiety is bigger, the patience is smaller (its actually bigger, but feels smaller), the love is bigger ( I know, i had to say it twice). They talked of "mommy club", they were right. Until youve lived it...you cant join..your heart cant imagine. Once in "mommy club" there is mutual understanding of this new existence of self...or selflessness. Moms flock to each other. Fact is, that if you talk of your day to a "non-mom", chances are they will look at you funny.....feel sorry for you possibly. Not the "mommy club"! Oh no. They know exactly what it means to all of a sudden be, not one heart, but two...and the fear that forever encompasses you once you have duplicated.

The first 4 weeks or so are a blur, and i wish i could have it back. I defiantly had the baby blues. I was so scarred, and so overwhelmed. I gave birth and they laid her on my chest, and it was like I was having an out of body experience. I was numb...literally. I knew how i should be feeling, but it all happened so fast. I remember feeling so disconnected. It wasnt until they brought her back from her first bath.....the lights were out in our room, Pete was asleep, and they asked me if i wanted her on my chest to warm her up. Of coarse I said yes, I gently put her in my night gown. The nurse left, and .......i finally felt it. What i thought i would feel right away....."hello, my love...im your mommy". Im not sure if it was the epidural, and not being able to even push myself up to hold her correctly, or just the shear magnitude of what had happened. Once everything was calm..and it was just me an her in the dark, skin on skin. She curled up on me the way she was in me. " Hello". I guess I thought i would know her right away, I had been feeling her for months, but once she was out....she was a new person i had never met.

The only thing predictable for first time moms...is that it is unpredictable. I can remember breast feeding Charlie the first week, I probably hadnt slept longer then 2 hours in 2 or 3 days, and I remeber thinking " never again, never ever again". Its hard, and you do ,at times, resent this ity bity baby, for not letting you sleep, or do anything for that matter. Then, the guilt for resenting this itty bitty baby.....an emotional bootcamp of insecurity and fear to say the least.

I wanted to talk of the hard stuff. We hear of all of the wonderful things that comes from being a mommy, but talking about the hard things is just as important. You are not alone! Having other mommies to talk to when I have "those days" gets me through. ...im not alone. What im feeling is normal...im doing OK.

I AM doing OK. I have eased up on myself a bit. I dont want to be super mom anymore...i was driving myself crazy at first.... but now I just want to be Charlies mom. I dont care that my house is a mess.....well i do if you come over, but other wise, no. I would rather destroy my couch and make a fort for Charlie, and spend her sacred nap time on the computer, talking to other mommies about our day, then cleaning. I have come to terms. My house isnt a disaster, but it isnt perfect....."oh look there is my coffee cup from this moring"..its 10pm..... and thats ok.

I guess my point to all of this is that, the texture of life is deep...and rich...and complicated...and simple. Even when i want to run away as fast as i can, and i feel like i might be going crazy (without my husband none the less), every second is worth it. All of joy, laughter, and love makes even the most difficult moments completely....and totally worth it. If you arent a parent, i dont think you can really comprehend that....hence "mommy club".

And now a picture of the person who has changed me forever. Thank you my love.....I know more about myself now then I ever have.

Hello Goodbye

Pete was intown this weekend, a little more then 48 hours of us being a family. It feel so good....a little foreign at this point, but good. Its like "oh ya, this is us". We stuffed as much in to the 2 days he was here as we could.

On Saturday we woke up and had a big breakfest. Once Charlie went down for her morning nap, we put on "Zombie Land". I love watching Zombie movies with my sweetie. We then went shopping for some new clothes for mom and dads date night. It was gorgeous out, so we decided to head to the beach. Charlie is so amazing. She loved it...just like her dad. She kept picking up seashells and handing them to us. Next thing ya know, me and Pete are carrying around hand fulls of shells. Every shell she found was the most exciting thing to her. Its these moments that my souls shines....and even more that her daddy could be there to see her discovering the beach.

Saturday night we had reservations at Donavan's..... finally I won a 100 dollar gift certificate to it 2 years ago. The day I got into my accident we were suppose to go..but obviously that didnt happen. It was wonderful. The food was amazing, and how wonderful to have an adult dinner every once in a while. I felt gorgeous in my new outfit, and Peter looked so handsome. After dinner we went to Imperial house. My favorite bar in town. It was where Pete took me on our first date, and where we had our first kiss. I knew it was probably our last time there for a while so it was bitter sweet. We headed home after a couple drinks, to be greeted with an angry Charlie. When i walked in the door, she looked at me like "uhhhh...put me to bed!".

I had to work Sunday, but it was wonderful for Pete to have some alone time with Charlie. She does love her daddy. He took her to the Zoo, and I was so glad he got to see her delight at the Animals. I made us dinner, and put the baby to bed. When I returned to spend some good time with Pete before I drove him to the airport, I found him dead asleep...snoring. Even though I really wanted to wake him, to savor the last couple hours we had...I let him sleep. Sound sleep in your own home is a precious thing. I hated having to wake him, to tell him it was time to go. The drive to the airport was serenaded by the first mix CD pete ever made for me. I must have listened to this CD a million times when we first started dating. Its always to short of a drive to the airport, long drive home by myself. These trips are such teases, dont get me wrong I wouldnt trade them for the world, but its just a tast of what it feel like to have a husband and father around....i miss him. We kissed goodbye, and i could tast his chapstick the whole way home. Month and half and we will be a family together again...